Can we talk for a minute about how absolutely terrifying this whole elf on a shelf thing is? Christmas is the time of year when you tell your kid(s) all kinds of bullshit like that a chubby guy in a suit can fit down a chimney, reindeer — though mightily majestic — can fly around the world with nary a break, and that the carton of egg nog only has a smidge of rum instead of the half and half version you’ve been glugging all day.

But, an elf that has a sinister smile on his face and creepily moves around the house, getting into trouble? That takes the whole fucking fruit cake. Whoever made up this elf on the shelf trend must have been a maniacal creep who just loved freaking out their family. How else could you explain the fact that you happily tell your children that a spirit has broken into your house during Christmas, infecting a tiny doll, only to reign terror on the place?